Sapphire or Opal?

Like a turtle on its back.

Pregnancy is not an exact science, not that much really ever is. It's a day past my due date now and there's still no sign that our little bundle of joy intends to join us outside of my womb any time soon. So I just lay around (read: wallow) growing more rotund and uncomfortable by the day.

It's not uncommon for first pregnancies to run up to ten days late, but here's the kicker -- since no one knows when precisely we conceived, my due date is just an estimate anyway. Essentially give or take two whole weeks. This means I may be pregnant for up to three more entire weeks! Or, I could go into labor while typing this. No one can say for certain.

I am 75% effaced though, and if I continue progressing at the rate I have been, that'll put me at 100% effaced by this weekend. After which point I can go into labor at any time.

It's a little funny because a couple of weeks ago, I'd have been happy with the baby taking his sweet time to arrive. Halloween? Sure, whatever. Stay in there as long as you want to, dude. Mostly because the thought of child birth is somewhat terrifying, notably the anticipation of pain and the absolute spontaneity of labor. I could be sitting here, fine, one minute and writhing in the throes of a contraction the next! There's no way to know.

However as time goes on, I become more and more uncomfortable, and am now to the point where I kind of can't wait to have this baby. Not simply because I'm excited to hold him and introduce him to the world, but because I'm also excited to not exist in a constant state of discomfort.

He sits so low right now that I experience intense pain in my hips whenever I stand up or roll over in bed. I think at times that my legs may actually fall off. No, seriously. It's that intense. From what I'm told, this is only going to get worse as he drops lower in preparation for birth. Oh boy.

My feet are swollen more often than not, making walking a challenge. Granted the pitting edema is kind of neat, like my feet are made of Play-doh -- you can push it around and leave indents with your fingers. Even if I elevate and ice them for hours they're swollen again within fifteen minutes of resuming normal activity.

Add to these things the fact that when he decides to roll around and kick he now consistently hits my cervix (a pain you can't comprehend unless you're a female) and it's like a trifecta of discomfort.

I can no longer tolerate sitting at my desk for any real length of time, which means significantly less video games and writing. Luckily I now have a smart phone (yay the future!) so I can at least browse the internet and keep in touch with people. I can't sketch because my hands are too achy to reliably hold a pencil. The mere act of taking a shower exhausts me. I'm alright laying in bed or on the sofa. I've basically become dependent on Netflix and reading to cure my boredom.

I've missed my first day of class because of it, something I hoped not to do until actual labor, but oh well. I'm not sure where my ASL2 professor stands on the issue, as he's yet to get back to me, but my ECE instructor has been very understanding and I'll be able to complete her coursework from home if I need to.

Granted every second of pain is worth it. I am creating a human being. It's just an overwhelming experience, sometimes. I'm not accustomed to having to lie down and take it easy. That's a foreign concept. I'm used to just go-go-go.

Unspoken Pregnancy Symptoms

I'm probably not alone in this. There are a lot of whacky changes that take place during pregnancy that produce a whole range of symptoms. Some of which you've undoubtedly heard about, such as:

• breast tenderness
• swollen ankles or feet
• back pain
• rashes
• morning sickness
• frequent urination
• constipation
• exhaustion
• skin discoloration
• cravings

Those are what you can pretty much expect anyone you've ever known who has had a baby (or their significant other) to tell you about. They're like, the staple of pregnancy for almost everyone, I guess. While I experienced a few of those, notably having to pee once an hour every hour, I skipped over most of them. No morning sickness, no constipation, no rashes, no change in my skin, very little tenderness, hardly any cravings, no foot swelling, etc., etc. Lucky me, I am told!

Instead, however, what I've experienced mostly is the following:

• groin pain
• swelling of the hands
• headache
• heartburn
• hot flashes
• excessive hunger
• rib pain
• food avoidance
• insomnia

No one has ever mentioned any of those things to me as pregnancy symptoms, with the exception of late third trimester heartburn. I'm on prescription strength Prilosec due to a preexisting medical condition (cleared by my OBGYN) and cannot fathom a woman going through pregnancy without it. Even with the Prilosec I experience extreme heartburn (if I lay down without care, there's stomach acid in my throat) daily and Tums have become a staple of my pregnancy diet. A side note there, who decided citrus was the best flavor to make an antacid? Citrus is the last thing you want to consume when you've got heartburn! I know it isn't actual citrus, but still. Totally unappealing.

Excessive hunger and food avoidance seem contradictory, but they're really not. I am hungry all of the time. I do not get many cravings, I'm just always hungry. I can eat a bowl of oatmeal with a glass of orange juice and two pieces of multigrain toast with butter and jam and still be hungry enough for eggs and potatoes afterward. I don't (usually) eat two full meals back-to-back, but I could! It's not a nutrient requirement thing either. I take several varieties of supplements per day and have had my blood checked -- there's no deficiency present. I just want to eat like a fat kid.

Meanwhile the food avoidance is more like, certain foods just completely disinterest me or seem repulsive now. I haven't eaten a tamale in months and generally I really like tamales. It's just every time they are brought up as a food option, I'm like, "Ugh, no thanks." I have absolutely no desire for them anymore, even when I'm really, really hungry. I'm not a picky eater normally. I am willing to try anything once, sometimes even more than once just to be sure. So this is strange to me.

Hot flashes are particularly annoying because it's summer time and already hot. We've had a heat wave out here for several weeks now (temperatures of 100 degrees or more) which certainly has not helped either. Even with the AC blasting, I'm uncomfortably hot all the time. Sometimes so much so that my only relief is to either hop in the shower or lay down all sprawled out naked fanning myself. Or a combination of both.Which might sound kind of attractive, but at nine months pregnant probably isn't so much. And I'm not saying that in a moody pregnancy low self esteem sort of way. I know I'm a foxy mama, but when you take hot and stack it with more hot and wallowing, that's just not sexy at all.

Your baby will kick the shit out of you. I know most people talk about being kicked by baby as a fantastic thing, and usually it is! It is an amazing sensation to feel and even see a tiny human live inside of you. But sometimes you will either get kicked someplace really sensitive (like an organ), or just be kicked in one place repeatedly until it's sore. This is not so great.

I don't think I'd have much rib pain if the baby didn't continuously kick them. Which, by the way, feels a lot like when you bang your funny bone. Only inside your chest, completely beyond your control. I can't blame him. He has no idea what the hell he's doing in there. My bones probably seem fascinating in his world of juicy squishiness. It's woefully uncomfortable though, and on particularly bad days can leave you quite sore afterward. Sometimes I go to bed feeling like my ribcage is on fire. Not exactly conducive to sleep.

The headaches aren't frequent, thankfully, but I included them anyway. Mostly because when you are pregnant you're not allowed to take most headache expunging medications. Advil, Aleve, Motrin, Execrin, and any type of Aspirin are all taken off the table. You're allowed only very low amounts of Tylenol, which isn't typically enough to thwart a headache. At the very best it just takes the bite out of the pain. I'm the sort of person whose headaches always gradually progress into migraines if left untreated. So on the rare occasion a pregnancy headache crops up, it winds up restricting me to bed all day. My midwife says taking walks and drinking lots of water can help with pregnancy induced headaches, but in my experience this only helps a little and if the headache gets to migraine level walking will be the last thing on your to-do list. I've found laying down seems to help me more, if only because it usually changes the position of the baby and gets him off whatever he'd been sitting on that probably caused it.

Groin pain took me completely unawares and is probably the only symptom I'd wish out of existence if I had a magic lamp. For the last month or more it has felt like I've pulled my groin. I haven't, but the pain is there regardless of that fact. I cannot lift my feet more then two inches from the floor without sharp pain radiating through my pelvis. I have to sit down to put on pants and if I want to prop my feet up on the sofa, I need to pick up my legs with my hands in order to get into position without wincing. Mind boggling realization? This happens to a lot of pregnant women and will disappear after delivery. In the meanwhile, the only thing I can really do for relief is sleep with a body pillow. Which is kind of like having a third person in the bed. Or I guess, a fourth person if you include baby. I haven't gone to sleep without a body pillow tucked between my knees and under my giant belly in weeks. Because if I do the pain I described above is so intense I can't even walk without experiencing it. This is all caused by the weight and position of the baby as well as the muscle and joint loosening hormones being produced by your body and there is really nothing to be done about it medically. A long soak in the hot tub would probably help, but those are forbidden to pregnant ladies as well. Ho-hum.

Swollen fingers is a new one to me, something I woke up with for the first time yesterday. I've been waiting for my ankles and feet to swell but it just hasn't happened. Not even when I walked from one end of campus to the other and back again while hopelessly lost. So the fact that my fingers of all things have now taken to swelling is just bizarre to me. I get up in the morning and they're so puffy my grip is weak and my knuckles hurt (the ones I can feel anyway). I can only imagine how much worse this would be if I didn't have peripheral neuropathy. I find it a little funny that my preexisting medical conditions have thus far all been boons to my pregnancy experience.

Insomnia, for me as a narcoleptic, is just surreal. I've experienced it before, on rare occasions, but nothing so frequent as this. Sometimes I'll just lay awake in the dead of night, totally exhausted but unable to actually sleep. I imagine it's some primal motherly instinct to prevent my babies from being eaten by predators or something, but it's really annoying. There are no leopards in my house. We reside in a nice neighborhood, so there probably aren't even any burglars anywhere nearby. There's really no justification to be set to "can't let my baby be eaten" mode. Yet at least once a week, there we are. Four am, tired as a dog, staring at the clock, waiting for the moment when I need to fend off a pack of wolves with nothing but my hands and teeth.

And all of this? Completely normal! Just seldom mentioned by anyone, including doctors, until you yourself bring it up. Why? I have no idea. I certainly would've appreciated a heads up about feeling like I've been kicked in the snatch.

Don't let any of this deter you though. I know it might sound like a lot of complaining, but if you want to bring another human into the world -- it is absolutely worth it.

P.S. Adema is neat. I can leave hand prints on my skin, or draw pictures with pressure.

P.P.S. Someone just pointed out that I myself forgot one: leaky nipples! While you do not produce milk until days after delivery, for four or more weeks prior to delivery your breasts begin to produce and at times secrete pre-milk called Colostrum. A clear (sometimes cloudy) nutrient rich substance that will keep baby nourished until your actual milk comes in. It's usually only a small amount (a few drops worth), unlike actual lactation, but can be more at times. So you should invest in nursing pads ahead of time, just in case! It may be tempting, but you should avoid expressing before delivery as doing so may cause uterus contractions as well as leave less nutrients in the pre-milk for baby when he or she arrives. Expressing won't make you leak any less, anyway. So there's no point.

P.P.P.S. I've been told due to Ph changes you should avoid colored panties, mostly because you might find that you bleach them!

There is A Ninja II

As you heard in the last installment of Ninja Baby 2012, we went from "maybe baby" to "5 months along" in a week, according to my primary care physician. Okay, halfway through, that's still plenty of time for preparation. Then from "five months along" to "more like seven months along" the week after that, according to our midwife. Alright, a little less time to prepare than we'd like, but we'll manage. And then from "seven months along" to "you're due next month" a week or so after that, according to the ultrasound technician. Holy crap.

With gestation like that, I might be an alien of some kind. Not that that would make me any weirder, really.

Baby kisses!

So obviously, we've had our first ultrasound now, which was super amazing. Getting to see the baby for the first time, moving around and stuff. Really cool. Of course, being my offspring, it rolled over as soon as the technician started the ultrasound, making the woman's job more difficult for her. Not that I minded, since it also meant the whole process would take longer, letting Aaron and I see our baby longer! The baby was very active on film, making faces, kicking me, and then pulling his foot up to his face to use like a pillow.

We also found out what we'd be having! Are you ready? Just in case you're not, I'll put a little space here. If you'd rather be surprised in September, then stop reading NOW (and probably avoid looking at our baby registry, it's got spoilers).

Are you still here?

...

Then that must mean you really want to know whether we are having a boy or a girl.

Then know you shall:

At the end of September, Aaron and I will be welcoming a baby boy into the world!

We met with the midwife again on the 8th, but she didn't have all of the results back yet so we won't meet with the actual MD until the 22nd. I really like our midwife though, she'd very warm and friendly. My bloodwork and such came back good. No gestational diabetes or anything, however I was a little anemic so they've added additional iron supplements to my prenatal vitamins. We've another ultrasound scheduled for the 15th!

Baby shower (for local friends and family) forthcoming, online registry (for those of you too far away) exists for you here. I want to say thanks for all the support and assistance you guys have reached out with. Finding out you are pregnant and basically due any time is a lot to take in!

There is A Ninja Inside of Me

Way to be conclusive there, middle line.

Back in May Aaron and I noticed that, due to eating poorly and lack of exercise, we were putting on a little weight. Nothing out of control mind you, just a few pounds. It's not like we were eating nothing but deep-fried butter and laying on the sofa all day. We resolved to pick our exercise routines back up.

In June we noticed that my weight gain was not normal... Aaron could now see the end of my belly button (which had always been a bottomless void before) and my abdomen was firm, not soft like fatty tissue. My period was also a day late, not unusual but strange enough in combination with those other two things for us to venture out for a home pregnancy test. Just in case.

I had absolutely no signs or symptoms of a pregnancy and had been taking birth control religiously for years due to PMDD. I immediately suspected something else was amiss. Like a cyst, a tumor, or something gross like worms. So imagine our surprise when three minutes had passed and the test seemed kinda-sorta positive! Now we were baffled, excited, and understandably a little nervous. It wasn't a bad time for a baby, it was simply unexpected.

I called the doctor to set up an appointment to confirm but couldn't get in until the following week, so we went ahead to L.A. for our planned trip to visit family. During that week I went from "maybe baby bump" to "almost assuredly pregnant." So much so we had to take a trip to the mall to buy me new clothes because my extra small shirts which normally left plenty of room were now definitely several sizes too small for me. By the time we got home, the message I had left for my doctor was going to seem absurd!

We would have to explain to her, that all of this change had seriously happened in seven days. Which was something she found pretty amusing. She felt around, listened for the baby's heartbeat with her stethoscope, and then did another test just to confirm. It was now officially official: I am pregnant. Up until that day we assumed I was two months along, maybe three, since I had been having normal periods up until June, which had been abnormally light. However the doctor suspected I may be as many as five months along. What? I'm such a freak of nature. She prescribed a prenatal vitamin to add to my already existing vitamin cocktail and had us set up an appointment with an OBGYN in a week's time.

Of course her staff is awful and I had to call my insurance to arrange this myself, otherwise I'd probably still be waiting for approval... but I digress on that.

I was scheduled to meet with a midwife who, after taking my extensive medical history, decided I should consult with the actual MD instead. Since she, "deals with normal low risk pregnancies" and I was anything but. She at least got us started though, doing another physical exam which concluded I may be even further along than my original doctor estimated. As many as seven months! Seven months and not a single instance of hormonal moodiness or morning sickness. Not a single sign or symptom.

We also got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time though, which was amazing! The midwife seemed to think everything sounded and felt good, so she had us set up an appointment with the MD in two week's time. We'll be seeing him on the 8th of August. I can only imagine how huge I'll be by then, because in the week since I saw my primary care physician to the day I saw the midwife I have doubled in size!

In the meanwhile I'm being ruled by a tiny person who controls me from the inside like a Gundam/mech/Gear (pick your nerdiness), left curious as to whether this person might be a boy or a girl. Naps, orange juice intake, and what I eat are all up to it. And let me tell you, this baby is kicking and moving around like a champ. When it's time for orange juice -- if I don't get up quickly enough, sometimes I think the baby might walk me there itself. I don't know where this ninja has been hiding for seven months, but it's definitely here now!

Not much time to prepare, but we're pretty thrilled!