Yesterday pretty much everything that could have gone wrong did, but it inevitably ended alright anyway.
It started the night before, when I realized right before bed that we
had a major appointment in the city the next day and I had no time to
prepare for it. That probably seems pretty minor to a lot of you, but
when you have autism prepping yourself for what to expect when you go
someplace new is very important. This generally takes about 24 hours,
which I did not have.
So I spent the majority of the morning on
the brink of an anxiety attack, all while trying to get myself and Jude
ready to go. Jude, who woke my up in the middle of the night again, so
we were also both exhausted before noon. But his appointment wasn't
until 3, so I basically followed him around for hours trying to prevent
meltdowns so that transporting him from point a to point b wasn't a
By the time we actually leave I'm actually having a
panic attack but I've no choice but to truck on. We get on the freeway
and there's wonky construction happening all over the place. The lanes
are split and divided by cement blocks. So when we realize we're
actually on the wrong 80 (there's 2 and maps rarely specify which), we
can't get off because of the dividers.
Aaron plugs the address
into his phone to try to navigate us there but his phone is absolutely
not cooperating. Now Jude is fussing loudly. I offer him snacks now
thinking the complaints are hunger related. They are not.
I'm about to have a heart attack to my mounting anxiety, he barfs. Car
sick. We knew he got car sick (I do too) but before it had only ever
happened in stop-and-go traffic. This was a straight shot. Welp. "Should
we turn around?" Aaron asks.
"No. I think he's got spare clothes in the diaper bag. I'll clean him up, you just get us there."
He cracks a window and I put my seat back so that I can scoop the
bloated raisins and bile off of the child and out of his car seat. It's
gross. Strangely having to enter ULTIMATE MOM MODE completely took away
my anxiety though. So, thanks unexpected toddler puke.
and Aaron calls to let them know we'll be running late and why, they are
gracefully understanding. I use a bottle of water and some paper towels
to give Jude a sponge bath in the trunk and then put him in a clean
shirt and diaper. There aren't any pants in the diaper bag, but he's not
old enough to be embarrassed about running around half naked yet so
Aaron takes the clean child and heads inside to get
us all situation while I scrub down the car so that it isn't rancid in
the summer heat for the 3 hours this is supposed to take. I realize as
I'm walking into the building that Aaron took the paperwork with him so I
have no idea where to actually go.
It didn't wind up mattering
because Jude would absolutely not let him enter the suite without me,
and he had to loiter outside in the hallway with a half naked, screaming
toddler getting looks from people until I arrived. lol.
in, he won't let me put him down. I hold all 40 lb. of him for 20
minutes until we're call back. The appointment itself goes well enough,
considering. She suspects ASD but it can be difficult to say definitively at this age. Afterward, Jude falls asleep while I'm holding him and the
doctor is talking to us. She talks to us for like... eternity. My arms
actually feel like they've been shred to ribbons when I can finally load
him back into his car seat. Which was thankfully dry and didn't stink.
We got home, hung out with Jude a while then put him to bed. He of
course didn't want me to go, so I sat with him in the dark until he fell
asleep. Then I came out and tried to play some video games to unwind,
but my dying computer wouldn't let me. Thankfully Aaron suggested we
watch a movie instead, because I would've probably bashed my head
against that wall until just going to bed defeated.
Kung Fu Hustle and ate chocolate and kettle corn while he basically
doused me in Icy Hot. Then, for the first time since last Monday, Jude
actually slept through the night.
I feel it is important to share
bad days as well as good ones. Not only to vent but because hiding the
bad stuff is dishonest. I don't want my life to seem easy so others feel
bad when they struggle. No, man. We all struggle. Read about my
floundering. Share in my pain.
tl;dr: anxiety attack, loads of barf, arms day ever day, technical difficulties, kung fu hustle, actual sleep.