Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Toddler's Diet Plan

Diet like a toddler, because they always know what's best (sarcasm detected). AKA, entertaining yourself with a picky eater.

1/2 cup of raisins, 1/2 cup of cereal, 1 granola bar, 1 cup 100% juice
- Eat raisins 1 at a time over the course of 60 minutes. Crush cereal into fine powder and sprinkle on floor from table. Ignore granola bar. Drink juice like your life depended on it.

1 piece of whole grain toast with butter and blueberry jam, 1/2 a banana, 100% juice smoothie made with veggies and greek yogurt.
- Maybe eat toast, if you feel like it. Otherwise sit and complain about how you don't want to be at the table for thirty minutes. Then complain that you're hungry while continuing to ignore the food. Drink your smoothie then throw the cup on the floor like you're Thor.

A warm meat and cheese sandwich on whole wheat, 1 cup of peas, a cup of whole milk.
- On a good day eat all of it. On a bad day take one bite of the sandwich, smash up the peas and play with the mush. Drink your milk.


Cookies x2
- Try as hard as you can to fit both cookies in mouth at once. When you fail, stick one whole cookie in your mouth and clutch the other until you're finished with the first like you're afraid a dingo might steal it. Immediately eat the second as soon as you're finishing drooling all over yourself because you can't close your lips and chewing the first.

Snacks 2x daily
1/4 cup almonds.
- Eat all of the almonds at once. Maybe throw-up as a result of almond chunks hitting your uvula.

1 package of fruit snacks.
- Devour these like your life depends on it.

Fruit of any kind.
- If banana: eat or stick in hair.
- If apple: eat or poke holes in with fingertip.
- If blueberries: PAINT THE WORLD PURPLE
- If grapes: eat like your life depends on it or ignore completely then mash into carpet later.

Taking this advice you are sure to maintain an adorable toddler physique, and drive women (namely mothers) crazy.

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